I had no idea I felt that way!

    I discovered a rather surprising instinct the other day. I really, REALLY want to feed my child. It's not something I had ever really thought about. Our kids are hungry, we feed them. It's a matter of filling a need, I suppose. But perhaps there is an inner drive, an unconscious desire to nourish our children.
   Teegan can't eat by mouth. He can't control where the food goes. Sometimes it makes it to his tummy, but sometimes it goes in his lungs. So he has to be fed by a tube that goes directly into his little belly. Once in a while I give him a taste of soft foods. Yogurt, pudding, stuff like that. Well I decided to get him a jar of baby food. I wanted to expand the tastes he was getting. I sat down with the jar and a spoon and gave him a taste. I was blown away by this overwhelming desire to actually feed him. I wanted so badly to put a full bite on the spoon and give it to him. It was so strong that I had to put the jar away.
    I'm so amazed at this new found feeling. I wonder how many moms like me there are that have felt the same way. Why didn't I feel that way all the times before, when I gave him a taste of something I was eating? Is it because the food was solely for him this time? He gets the nutrition that he needs, so why do I feel like something is lacking. I guess feeding a child is so natural. I think we instinctively want to feed our children. On a cellular, primal level we NEED to feed them. I had never considered that. And before I sat down with that jar of apples I hadn't realized that I was missing that. I didn't know that I deeply needed to feed him.
   Of all the things that are "missing" from raising a child with developmental delays I hadn't realized that feeding from a spoon was one of them. I long to see him sit up, take a step, say "mommy", and the list goes on. Now I can add "eat from a spoon" to that list. In a way it's good though. Being able to eat is probably one of the more attainable goals for him. He's able to do it, just not consistent enough. As he grows and strengthens he could become more consistent at swallowing. Here's hoping. The list is growing longer. It would be great to cross something off.

Happy Birthday Teegan!!

   Centuries ago, when people started celebrating birthdays, it was because the mortality rate was so high that each year a person survived was an occasion worth celebrating.  Today we take birthdays for granted. We celebrate because it's just what people have done for century upon century. It's a reason to have a party, gather with friends and family, and get some cool stuff.  :)  We have forgotten how fragile life is. Surviving another year is no longer a monumental occasion. In fact, we tend to lament each year as we get older.
   Today is Teegan's second birthday. It is a monumental day for me. The fact that I have been blessed with another year with him is amazing. I no longer take birthdays for granted. Not just his, but all of my kids. I think I understand the person who threw the very first birthday party ever. I'll bet it was a mom. I can picture her, on her child's first birthday, rocking that child and thinking how lucky she is that her baby is still in her arms. I imagine her telling her husband that they must celebrate. Gather all the family together. Maybe she made a special blanket to commemorate the occasion. I understand now why we celebrate. Each year is a gift, a milestone, something to be immensely grateful for.
   I recently learned that in the state of Nevada the legal definition of death is if your heart stops beating for 60 seconds. One minute, such a short length of time. It takes longer to get a cup of coffee. Last April Teegan's heart stopped for 10, maybe 15 times that. I can't bring myself to actually type the words...to see it in black and white...but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at. I joke that he had to run back "home" because he forgot something. Maybe he forgot to give Heavenly Father a hug and kiss before he left. Or there was some crucial instructions for his time here on earth that he forgot to get. I picture a kid heading towards the school bus, then realizing he forgot his lunch box and running back to get it. (I have quite the imagination, in case you couldn't tell.)
     I cherish each moment with Teegan. Almost losing a child will do that to a person. But truthfully, it could have been any one of my kids, for any number of reasons. We expect to live to a ripe old age. We expect to watch our children grow up. We expect to become grandparents. But none of that is set in stone. Teegan has taught me that. And for that reason I have come to cherish each moment with all my kids. Each one of their birthdays is a joyous occasion. Every hug, every giggle, leaves it's mark on my heart. Having a child like Teegan....well....it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm just grateful that I can find the good, see what I've learned, how far we've come as a family. He brings out amazing qualities in my kids. He shows me just how awesome they are. I'm so grateful for the two years I've had, and pray I have many, many more.