Wow. Nearly nine months since my last post. I'm not sure why I took such a long break, or what brought me back. I've had an up and down day, a bit of struggle with my feelings. Out of nowhere came the compulsion to read my last blog. It was exactly what I needed. I was starting the decline into burnout and I missed the first couple signs. Reading my own words brought me back. It also reminded me of why I started this in the first place. So I'm back. To help the reader, and to help myself. Complete honesty folks, this process is cathartic for me.
When I first started typing, I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I just knew something needed to be told. As the words of the first paragraph started flowing, I realized what I needed today's subject to be. Jealousy. Such an ugly word. Brings up feelings of inadequacy and guilt. But we're "no holds barred" here. No subject is taboo. The fact is, it exists, so let's air it out.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my friends and family that have healthy babies. Does that me a terrible person? I don't think so. I don't wish them harm. I don't hope that something awful befalls them. In fact, I love watching their kids grow and thrive. But there is a small, hidden part of me that aches to see that development mirrored in my own child. There's a part of me that weeps when I hear a two year old little boy say "mama". It reminds me that I may never hear that from Teegan, and that is hard.
But I think what I'm feeling is totally normal. This journey we're on is full of peaks and valleys, and it's just one of the valleys.
What else am I jealous of, you ask? Ok, so maybe you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm jealous of my friends and family that get to just relax. Be it a girl's night out, retail therapy (as I like to call it) or just vegging in front of the tv, I'm so, so jealous. That just doesn't exist for me. There's never a moment where I'm not "on". If I'm watching a show, I've still got one eye on Teegan, if I'm reading a book, I've got one eye on Teegan, even in my sleep, a complete state of disconnect doesn't happen. I have become an incredibly light sleeper because Teegan may need me. I'm up several times a night with monitor alarms or suctioning. His condition requires a constant state of awareness. I realized just today how fully it consumes me. Today was the first playoff game for my husband's favorite football team. The more I watched him completely intent on nothing but that game, the more irritated I became. I thought "it's so unfair that I can't do that. I can't completely immerse myself in anything." I felt a bit irrational after a while. I'm proud to say I pulled myself together. I only behaved like a sullen teenager for a half hour or so. I reminded myself that he got up this morning, unhooked Teegan from all his machines, and took him out in the living room so I could get a bit of uninterrupted sleep. He does try to assist me in preserving my sanity.
So, as I come to a close, let me just say to my family and friends, I love you. I love your kids. I love seeing the pictures, reading the updates, hearing about the milestones. I don't begrudge you your health and happiness at all. I acknowledge without embracing my darker feelings of jealousy. They're here, they're normal and I will not allow them to make me feel guilty. Nor will I allow them to make you feel guilty. Tell me about your baby's first step, tell me about the fun date night you had without the kiddos. I may not be able to enjoy the same things you do, but I can tailor my life to give me little moments. And I've learned to appreciate those moments more. Going to the grocery store has become a wondrous adventure, as opposed to a chore that must be tolerated.
And if you are a stranger who is making the same trip I am, those dark feelings, anger, jealousy, pain and guilt, they're normal. They're ok. Just don't let them consume you. Don't let them be all that you feel. There's joy in this journey too. Hold on to that. You will see the most amazing things, your child's development and milestones will be tremendous achievements. The harder they are to reach, the sweeter it is when they happen. Relish those moments, that joy outshines everything else!
